the good guys

If someone tells you not to ask people about them on your first date. I suggest you ask everyone and anyone the moment you walk away. From experience I would also suggest that the first should be the last date. If by chance you miss that BIG FAT RED FLAG as I did . Then there may be a few other signs that this is NOT a good guy.

If a man tells you that he doesn't want to know about your past but then investigates your relationships and reads your emails and diary. You may want to end it there. When you catch him with your emails open or going through your recent calls another good time to RUN but let's say he can convince you that you somehow put these thoughts in his head about cheating or that YOU somehow gave to much information about yourself in the beginning even after he said he didn't want to know.. Lets just say you were stupid enough to overlook that invasion of privacy and obvious insane behavior. Maybe you'd end it IF he smacked you across the face after reading an email you wrote before you had ever met him . An email he found while going through your FB while you were changing after a night out to dinner ( Another absolute invasion of privacy and now violence )

So the guy who said not to ask about him has now smacked you. Maybe you are not the only woman he's done this with or does he just LOVE you so much he's spinning. Right it can't be that would make you one of many and that can't be true for YOU. Your ego won't allow that. Calling 911 and ending it there would make for some serious "I can't believe I ever dated this looser" conversation between you and your girls. BUT lets for the sake of this story say. You forgave him for that and for the next 5 or 6 times he lost his temper and smacked you. Lets say that somewhere between that 1st date and the last smack you lost yourself. Let's imagine you took this person back. That you held his head while you watched TV and rubbed his feet cause that's what he likes. That you let him in your world and tried to put lipstick on this pig cause really you just wanted a pig in lipstick...

What would it take before you realized that this is not a good guy and more importantly, when will you stop and notice that you have disappeared. You have disappeared and you are now here... Stuck in this. Stuck with him and trying to find anyway to make this uncomfortable unhappy make believe thing fit. Trying to live in an absolute unlivable situation and wondering why you can't help him find his heart. If he could just find his heart then maybe there would be some normal. You start to give in and give up and become more and more like him . He can't step up to where you are BUT you can after the fighting after the names and the smacks and the spit you can find your RAGE. You can loose sight of the good and the life you built before. You are blinded by the crazy and now the before seems so long ago and the after seems so far away that you adjust to less then you deserve and you stoop down to him and you become the names and the anger and you SNAP.

It is not as hard as it sounds to get pulled into the gutter if you loose your balance and he's holding on to you with two hands. There comes a time when your instinct take over and you question ever word every moment .. You walk on eggshells like a runway. You've broken. Then lets say there is something inside you that knows that this is wrong. That saving him is not your job. You look at him and feel nothing but disgust and fear. Your gut tells you that every word was a lie. You finally "ask about him" and find that his whole story was a lie. You are just at the end of a long list of "woman he can't live without" He is not only NOT a good guy but he is a really BAD one. He is so pathological that there is no way to even get him to see what you see , what everyone else sees.. To ever take responsibility or change. He is not worth saving.

The facts are falling all around you and the moment of revolution is near. You start asking more and more as you should have from the beginning and you start hearing more and more. It's gets uglier and uglier. You see now that there may not be any good here. No good in him to find. That you don't know this person and now you are not sure who YOU are anymore either. BUT now the facts remain that you are instinctively good. You came in good and happy with heart and hope. You went through a war with someone who choose this with everyone. War is all he has. This is what he does with every woman before and will continue to do with every woman after. But you are different then him because you know love.

You have truth and faith and you may have crashed hard and hit the bottom with him but for you there is an UP and for him there is NOT. There is a peace in seeing the truth even if it's not what you wanted it to be. My point of this "fictional" story is when and if you doubt a person always trust your gut. When a person says "Not to ask about them" ask and ask and ask some more...You can't love the scars off someone who is damaged beyond repair and when you're afraid you should RUN .. People can change you if you let them for either better or for worse so be careful of wolves in cheap sweatpants and keep your eyes open for the good guys. They are out there somewhere.

It is interesting to note that a seemingly odd confliction arises when I give up things that are bad for me, namely, that I still feel a sense of loss.
Since I quit smoking, regardless of the fear of cancer, the horrible smell, the outrageous cost, and the early aging, I still find myself wishing for one drag. I sit on my couch enjoying a cup of coffee surrounded by fresh "smoke free" air and long for my little addiction. I wonder whether the nature of the conflict lies outside the activity. Is there equal conflict in use and non-use or will I simply find another way to predicate the crazy? I knew I preferred my life without the smoke but still I had moments when I missed that which I swore I wanted out of my life.

I seem to take that stance on most things I give up. I am a creature of habit I guess. One of those habits is not being very good to myself. Whether good for me or not, I feel sadness precisely due to the feeling of the loss over whatever it is I am missing.
I recently let go of yet another self-destructive habit. Sort of like the one I had with my Parliaments only this was not as long a courtship and even less socially acceptable. It was everywhere and consuming like my old cigarette smoke but this was different kind of barrier between the normal and my self. I knew I wanted it to be different. I knew I should and could do better but I enjoyed the smell of my new "Crazy Smoke".

I just could not pull myself out before I got way too comfortable with the discomfort. So today when I was walking down the street smiling at people walking by - just me being myself without the "Crazy Smoke" or the slightest desire to light up - I felt a loss for a moment. I felt sadness.
Breaking bad habits is one of my strong points. I typically will "Over Do" whatever it is I want to stop doing until I am sickened by it. Then I am done. That's how I get my desired outcome. Quitting cold turkey is the only way.. But in some quiet moments when I should be enjoying the desired results, the broken part of me gets a pang in my stomach and I feel a loss or maybe I am lost for that moment without it.


Trying to do better doesn't mean I am better but I think I am learning - I smoked cigarettes for over 20 years before I stopped. I only had the "Crazy Smoke" for 6 months so at least I am recognizing and breaking my bad habits sooner these days. I will miss it honestly at times. Adjusting to life without it will take some getting used to but "Things That Hurt Us Are Bad". So I am smoke free and just threw out my matches.

It's that time again..

I am trying to start a revolution. I want to unite all single Aunts and Uncles who are childless on the Holidays, for me that means Christmas. Those of us who are expected to buy gifts for not only all of our nieces and nephews but for the parents too but get only 1 lousy gift from the entire family. For us to somehow come together officially and make an amendment to the rules from here on out.

In my case I have 13 people aside from my Mom and Dad that are kids and parents. From those 13 people all of whom receive individual gifts from me.. I get a total of 4. Now how does that seem fair ! I get a measly 1 present per family. And the WHOLE family gets individual gifts from good old old Aunt K...

I think I should be getting a gift from each person that I buy a gift for. It's basic really. If my niece or nephew are too young to get a job and buy me something themselves then that should be their parents problem. School doesn't let their tuition slide simply because they are only 9. Nope, their mom and dad are expected to carry them.. Why not at Christmas? Why not for my gifts?

I have a few ideas.

One-The parents (more importantly for my point OUR brothers and sisters) could buy an extra gift and say it's from us. Saving us time and money.

We did not ask them to keep multiplying. I loved all of my nieces and nephews when they were the firsts and only. The seconds were fun too but with thirds popping up made my Christmas and birthday lists WAY too long.

(A side note) -I feel exactly the same way about how many presents I should receive on my birthday but it's holiday time now so I will cover that.

Two- The parents can buy us one gift per child and level out the gift giving field a tiny bit. A gift to me from each one of my nieces and nephews nicely wrapped and waiting for me on Christmas morning right along side of my 13...

I am not sure how I will handle things this Christmas. If I bought one gift per family the kids would hate me and I would loose my title as "Worlds Coolest Aunt & Best Present Giver Ever" so I will most likely submit to the unbalanced routine of things and like every other year put myself deeper into my none childbearing sibling debt. I guess my sleeping late whenever I feel like it and my single girl sanity are the presents that can't be wrapped and my siblings intuitively know it. So alas I get less gifts on certain days. It's the price I pay for the rest of my selfishly lived life. With that said I may postpone the revolution..

Words and things..

Writing freely without fear is something I have been doing since I was a child. I found a freedom starting with a crayon, then to a pen and now with a key pad . I have always discovered something about myself through my writing. Good, bad or indifferent I could escaped into the words. I could work through whatever is happening in my life by discovering a newness in me on each line. Sometimes I am not sure what I am saying until I stop. I surprise myself with where I end up.. if I let go and just take the ride where my fingers lead me. This blogging may become that for me and I will have a new outlet of self. A new cyber me in progress. I am excited about telling stories and hearing feedback on my "take" on things. My timing is pretty good (or so I have been told) and other then my impeccable sense of fashion, my sense of humor is solid. I can and have fallin back on it.. Anyway the journey has begun and the road is open...

Growing ups not so fun...

Thanksgiving this year was as it should be "Turkey filled" but it was not as I prefer it simply family filled. My entire life, up until the last 10 years Thanksgiving took place in my Moms house . It was and still is a small home. When filled with all of us it could sometimes become claustrophobic . Although I would prefer rubbing elbows in passing with my brother unable to avoid one another, in my parents kitchen , with the smell of stuffing in the air and the storm door glass window fogging up from the heat of the oven, then sitting at a table in a restaurant with 20 people and calling it Thanksgiving .

There will come a time in my life when the option of squeezing into my parents house is simply not available. When the entire family will no longer sit around the living room trying to find a way to escape each others conversation. Asking ourselves quietly "How did we ever live here together".. I recall it like yesterday my brother spread out on the couch controlling the TV before he falls asleep. The kids running around upstairs getting checked on and then inevitably punished every few hours.My mom at the stove. My sister everywhere.. My family together... fogged glass door and the smell of Thanksgiving through out the house.

Sadly it seems that time has come and it has been gone now for almost 10 years. I just kept thinking it would return. I was reminded by my Dad as he drove me back to my apartment that Thanksgiving at my childhood family table was something of the past and that saddened me.

My Mom and Dad are still alive and well . My childhood home is still standing and over crowded Thanksgiving ready...

"Maybe next year", I thought as I kissed them both goodbye Thursday night. Maybe next year, I can stand in the kitchen drawing with my finger a smily face in the fog and writing 'My Family still exist" as they always have.. Squished Together.. or I will simply find my seat amongst the 20 and look forward to reminiscing with Mom and Dad in the car ride home.. for them I am Thankful.

Motivation

Not doing anything for an entire day is as much a commitment as running 5 miles. The big difference is no one ever brags about it and typically find something to blame it on. "Yes I took it easy today because I.... ( fill in the blank with something exceptional) all week". I wear my laziness and my ability to be sloth like as I would a Louis Vuitton bag. I own it and I am proud. I can spend an entire day rolled up on my couch DVR'ing my missed TV ordering in and doing absolutely nothing productive without apologies.

I have earned the right to be none motivated and I care less if someone thinks I am wasteing a day. I think anyone who pays money to sweat in a group of strangers is a little odd. Random groups of people dancing to the oldies or bending their bodies like Beckham seems more a waist of time then a day spent with Oprah...

Being able to crash and give my body and mind a rest... without feeling guilty .. is one of my gifts and I might even give myself a nap just for typing this much today.

So it begins..

I was walked through this today by my cousin Shaun. I am not sure exactly what to blog or why someone would care what I have to blog about but alas I find myself here and so I am blogging without hesitation. blah blah blog....