It is interesting to note that a seemingly odd confliction arises when I give up things that are bad for me, namely, that I still feel a sense of loss.
Since I quit smoking, regardless of the fear of cancer, the horrible smell, the outrageous cost, and the early aging, I still find myself wishing for one drag. I sit on my couch enjoying a cup of coffee surrounded by fresh "smoke free" air and long for my little addiction. I wonder whether the nature of the conflict lies outside the activity. Is there equal conflict in use and non-use or will I simply find another way to predicate the crazy? I knew I preferred my life without the smoke but still I had moments when I missed that which I swore I wanted out of my life.

I seem to take that stance on most things I give up. I am a creature of habit I guess. One of those habits is not being very good to myself. Whether good for me or not, I feel sadness precisely due to the feeling of the loss over whatever it is I am missing.
I recently let go of yet another self-destructive habit. Sort of like the one I had with my Parliaments only this was not as long a courtship and even less socially acceptable. It was everywhere and consuming like my old cigarette smoke but this was different kind of barrier between the normal and my self. I knew I wanted it to be different. I knew I should and could do better but I enjoyed the smell of my new "Crazy Smoke".

I just could not pull myself out before I got way too comfortable with the discomfort. So today when I was walking down the street smiling at people walking by - just me being myself without the "Crazy Smoke" or the slightest desire to light up - I felt a loss for a moment. I felt sadness.
Breaking bad habits is one of my strong points. I typically will "Over Do" whatever it is I want to stop doing until I am sickened by it. Then I am done. That's how I get my desired outcome. Quitting cold turkey is the only way.. But in some quiet moments when I should be enjoying the desired results, the broken part of me gets a pang in my stomach and I feel a loss or maybe I am lost for that moment without it.


Trying to do better doesn't mean I am better but I think I am learning - I smoked cigarettes for over 20 years before I stopped. I only had the "Crazy Smoke" for 6 months so at least I am recognizing and breaking my bad habits sooner these days. I will miss it honestly at times. Adjusting to life without it will take some getting used to but "Things That Hurt Us Are Bad". So I am smoke free and just threw out my matches.